Months of contemplation have led me to two words: fuck toy

Today we are looking at a few more straights of interest from the gym.

27

27 is a former little college wrestler (around 5’9”) with a tight hardbody and his nickname is 27, because he is 27 years old. Look, I don’t know what you want me to do. There is barely anything that distinguishes all these people from each other. I can’t find a clever nickname for everyone. 27 has brown hair, which sometimes he lets grow out and I hate it when he does that, though I would never want to hurt him by telling him, and very strong eyebrows framing his earnest blue eyes.

He sure likes to stretch and use the foam roller a lot – that elaborate process takes up at least 50% of his workouts. Personally, I struggle to see the point in that from a fitness perspective, but it does mean that 27’s midriff is mostly exposed while he takes turns to writhe, wiggle, and twist around on the floor, so I suppose it does have its benefits.

Many of these bros spend a lot of time stretching. I imagine they teach them to do that at whatever sports training they had in college. Maybe if I had done the same thing at their age, I wouldn’t be walking around with constant muscle pain and my joints all creaking now, but at 45 it’s too late for what ifs.

The rest of 27’s workouts are also entirely influenced by his wrestling background. He keeps doing these insane little jerky exercises with resistance bands, and initially I thought it was the result of a mysterious affliction, but then I noticed on Instagram that all the Olympic wrestlers I follow keep posting the same thing. Something like this:

I must admit, I am not in love with 27. He’s more in the wannabe-friend territory with me. (I know, he must be devastated). But before I move on to the next person, I must tell you this. One of 27’s favourite exercises is the chest supported incline dumbbell row. I know that’s a lot of words, so here are some pictures to help.

(Obviously this is not 27, just some guy I found on YouTube)

(This is not 27 either. This is a drawing. Are you ok?)

This is what 27 does. More specifically, he does it with his knees bent more, legs open wide and sturdy, butt aiming at the sky. And from a certain point of view from across the gym, the allure of this particular exercise is very difficult to refute.

Crazy Ginge, Ginger Mess, and Big Red

Boston is full of Irish people, hence full of ginger people, hence the setting of permanent sexual torment. Gingerness expresses itself in varied ways within the human DNA. Some people have flaming red hair, some have ginger beards, others have freckly reddish skin that burns under the pale moonglow and cotton candy nipples in soft pink. My favourite type of ginger person is all of them.

These days, it is frowned upon to fetishise people based on their physical attributes. While I acknowledge that on a humanist level, I must ask: if that’s to be true, how are we supposed to react to ginger armpit hair? What other logical response can there be to such a phenomenon? Come on.

Crazy Ginge

Crazy Ginge is named thus, because he’s an acknowledged neurasthenic. He walks around the gym talking to himself, about many things, but the chat is often self-motivational. “Come on” he yells to himself, before punching his lovely, hairy chest between sets. “You can do it.” “Let’s GO”, he screams. I’m not even joking. He really does.

I have thought long and hard of how to sum up Crazy Ginge. Months of contemplation have led me to two words: fuck toy. Once that image and its implications have entered your mind, there is no other way of looking at him.

Crazy Ginge is pretty short, but Jesus Christ, on that body all the ins go in and all the outs go out. Have you heard of the line of beauty? Not the Alan Hollinghurst book about being a horny gay man and intellectualising it to death, but the 18th century aesthetics theory, whereby the key principle of the perfect form, the common thing that can be found in most beautiful objects from flowing rivers to Venus de Milo and the Farnese Hercules, is the S-shaped (serpentine) curved line.

Crazy Ginge is the line of beauty repeating itself again and again on a tight 5’9” body.

The chest is firm, the shoulders swollen, the back is curved with muscle. The waist is barely there, the butt round and high, the thighs are bulging. This incongruence between those body parts makes him walk in a funny way, all strut and waddle. When he’s on the treadmill at the end of his workout, everything moves in a different direction, the core of his body seemingly struggling to keep all the muscles contained within his relatively small frame.

Crazy Ginge is not extremely redheaded, more like in the ginger beard category. In addition to that, he is my no.1 boy in the gym. I find him so annoying, but I just can’t quit him.

Ginger Mess

Ginger Mess is a big auburn-haired oaf with a charming hunchback and knuckles that nearly drag on the floor when he’s walking. It’s all very sexy in a primordial way. Have you ever seen an orangutang and thought, “hmm, you know, maybe there is something there?” It’s like that.

On 23andme as part of your ancestry results or whatever, they include a stat that tells you how much Neanderthal DNA you have. Mine, for example says, “You have more Neanderthal DNA than 11% of other customers” (humblebrag). I bet Ginger Mess is the benchmark for that test. I bet he’s the 100% that we’re all judged against.

It sounds like I’m trashing him, doesn’t I? Forget that – the guy is hot. I mean all those things as compliments, and there are few greater joys in life than watching Ginger Mess bouncing his oversized frame up and down midair while doing pull-ups cross legged. An erotic sensation you must see to believe.

Ginger Mess is also blessed by the condition of pink nipple, so please add that to his list of skills and accomplishments.

Big Red

Oh, you are not ready for Big Red. Way beyond all the pretenders with their auburn hair and their reddish beards, Big Red does exactly what he promises to do and he’s big and he’s red from his head to his toes. He’s just a solid rectangular block of red, ok? And sometimes you just have to respect that. With a friendly handsome face and a lovely big butt, he is a cheery red man who brightens your day whenever you see him.

And those were a few more of our favourite gym straights. Part 2, if you like.

You can read Part 1 again here: